So, I was driving through Columbus, MO. Actually, a little before Columbus, but I was in Missouri. I see this billboard, with the typical evolutionary sequence of our pre-homo sapient ancestors depicted on one side in a circled image. The image had a red line running diagonally across it. The standard depiction of "Do Not" do whatever it is that is on the image, like a "No Smoking" sign. The right half of the billboard said, "In the beginning, God Created."
Pondering this debate, and before the cop pulled me over, I thought, "so what is different about other religions, say Hinduism, where this debate is not so front and center?" I mean, in India you have these old guys, not one day spent in school, and talk long enough and they will eventually ponder the meaning of life with you, give you some insightful pearls. They will, in other words, "drop some knowledge on you." They don't know the theory of evolution.
On the other hand, you have these scholars of religion, not necessarily trained in the Western tradition (that's not the only kind of scholar there is of course, I hope we all still know that), who know a lot of the voluminous body of writing produced as the Vedas, Upanishads, what have you. I don't know if these guys have looked to put up a billboard like this, setting up their knowledge and belief against the theory of evolution. It just does not seem important. Different realms of understanding, different questions even. But here in the US, you see this. There are educated people that deny evolution in favor of their belief in the story. Some of them also deny what 97% of the scientific community agrees on, climate. So what's the difference? Answers on a postcard please.
Anyhoo, this road trip. Cop after cop, I mean I don't know what was going on. I don't speed on long trips. It's pointless. You drive 80 in a 70, you probably gain 5 miles or save 5 minutes in an hour. The stress and extra focus required to drive safer at a higher speed is not worth it. Not that these arbitrary speed limits are really about the safe maneuverability of cars on roads as built (it has more to do with the automobile lobby and dependence on foreign fuel). But you speed, you have to look out more carefully, zone in even more, and in addition, look for cops. Speaking of speed limits, I love Montana. Until some years back, there were none. No speed limits. You got tickets, I'm told, for not driving with prudence and courtesy towards fellow drivers. What a nice ideal! More on Montana some other time. I love that state, it has a mystique, something about it. 1 million people, 7 million guns, something about that too. Ya, so for me, on any drive longer than 500 miles, it's all about "within the speed limit and steady gets home safe." The rabbit can win all he wants, at 70 mph I am no turtle either.
So this cop stops me. I'm not speeding, everything is cool, my car and its lights work. So instead of him saying anything, I opened the window (get it open beforehand, keep your hands on the wheel you persons of color), waited for him to arrive, and straight asked him, "Hello officer how are you. Can you tell me what you stopped me for sir?"
Young guy, leaning in, looked like he is trying to grow a beard, said that according to his system, they ran my plates and the registration is expired. "No Sir, it's current till May," I say, pointing with one finger to the sticker in the window and offering to reach into the glove for the registration if he likes. He asked for license and registration, and I gave them to him. "OK, let me check this out so I can have you on your way quickly," he says. Sure, I'm losing time, and these minutes count when you're going cross country and want to do it without wasting too much time.
He comes back after a few, and tells me, "Actually, it was showing your license as expired." My NJ license? Ya, it did, because I let it, and got myself one in WA, where I was for a little bit. Two reasons. Shorter lines, and in WA DMV, they give you a license for five years if you're a "temporary non-immigrant." In Jersey, they charge you more and you have to go get a license renewal each year. Obvi.
Here's the thing though. This was totally random, no? He comes over saying my registration shows up as expired, and returns saying my license was showing up as expired instead? I'm sure there is some explanation for this. In any case, I was not getting a ticket, and I'm not one to spend too much time debating the finer points of their practice with police. He even apologized!!! I mean, go me, a cop just apologized. Damn! Anyway, I asked him (to learn something about the finer points of their practice), "Officer, common people do not get to interact with law enforcement too often. So, I know I was not speeding and I do not drive reckless, so can you tell me what made you consider running my plates in the first place?" He told me, "Well, I am part of the DWI unit, it's late at night, you're passing through downtown, and alone on the road, so..." Ok, whatever. 5 cars passed me before he pulled me over. Out of town plates had nothing to do with it? No big deal if they did, but tell me something. I thanked him, shook his hand, and drove on, feeling nice I did not get a ticket and that he was not a jerk.
On to IN (where I once got a warning and then got my picture taken with this young police, different from the old police in WY who gave a ticket not a warning and recommended a good place for food). And he pulls up ahead on the left, and I know he's checking me out. Drives ahead a bit, drives on my side a bit (I'm trying to look ahead as sardonically as possible), falls behind (he should be issued a citation for driving so slow in the left lane), then finally the State Trooper pulls up behind me, and hits the bluetop lights. I pull over, check the license is on the passenger seat, hands on the wheel, look ahead. I rolled down my side window.
He comes over on the other side, knocks on the passenger side window. I roll it down, and decided to be proactive (I knew I wasn't speeding): "Good morning Officer, did my plates show up as expired?" This threw him off a little, so I continued, "I got stopped last night because the plates were expired but it turned out that the license was expired but I have a license." I think I confused him enough to take the need to assert authority out of the balance. I mean, here I was, practically confessing all kinds of stuff. I got stopped recently, license and plates are all up in the air, etc.
"Where did you get stopped?"
"Columbus"
"Columbus, Ohio?"
"No, Columbus, Missouri." (I mean seriously, you trying to catch me in a lie? I am driving West to East, and Ohio is still far east of us, for the sake of f**k).
He said no, it was because I changed lanes without giving the signal (bullshit, unless I did not signal that one time all cars on the right moved over to the left in procession because there was a vehicle pulled up on the side of the road), and because these room fresheners hanging from the rear view mirror in the car are not allowed in Indiana, they are considered to be obstructing your view. Oh come, on. This is what drew you to me, to drive around with me for 5 minutes before pulling me over? Really. Ok.
I did not respond to this lane-change-without-signal thing, but started pulling down the room fresheners. "Do you have a current license on you?" "Of course I do, what the fuck do you think I'll drive on the highways without one?" I didn't say that out loud, obviously. Thing is, if they do not have a clear offense, you can actually refuse your license and stuff in some states. I don't know the law completely on this, but I've seen youtube videos, our source for all knowledge, along with Google. But cops can do a bunch of other stuff if you start arguing finer points of the law with them. So I simply took my license out, gave it to him, and even offered my registration if he wanted it.
"What's that noise, you talking to someone on the phone?" Man, stop fishing for shit to do me with. "No sir, (charming smile as I look away) that's me listening to a recording from my research, I can turn it off."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a teacher, a Professor of Anthropology at Wichita State University." (I'm actually an assistant professor on the tenure track, and it's cultural anthropology to be more precise. But I was being efficient here, not lying, I hope people can make out the difference).
"Where you headed?" (NY) "What you headed there for, man?" (I used to live there). "Ok, have a nice trip man," and with this, the State Trooper, probably 50, balding and big, walked away. He ignored my "Sir..." can I get a picture with you?
Then, PA. Home of the Rogue Audio Cronus Magnum MK II, oh yes!!! What a fun, 55lb heavy, rock on and live your life integrated amp! I wish I could go see those guys. I had a few service emails back and forth once, about a bum tube in the amp's power section, and I kept saying "keep up the good work," "keep doing what you do," at every exchange. I think I was trying to finagle an invite, like the incessant and gratuitous complements will make the guy say, "thanks, come see us at the factory sometime." Didn't happen, they were cordial enough though.
PA. Home of the silly little hills that don't seem like much but do turn the roads into these damp, "turny," dipping quasi-mountain-like roads. Do it in the daytime when you're fresh, find your line on the curves, attack the curve, and let gravity do its work for you car's stability. But it was evening, I was tired, and it's not that much fun then. So I packed it in after a while, and took a nap in the car at a service station. PA south is kind of eerie, I always feel a little apprehensive when I enter PA from the West Virginia side.
And so, another dance. Another bluetop, pull over. "How are you officer, I think there's some kind of interstate thing going on with me this trip!" I was being proactive again (I knew I wasn't speeding, but this time it was "not speeding" in the sense that everyone was doing 70 in a 55, and I had to keep up. So he could do me if he wanted to).
"How do you mean?"
"I'm not speeding or driving aggressive, but I got pulled in MI, in IN, and now PA. I don't know what's going on! No tickets or problems either!"
"Well, I had to drive at 75 miles an hour to catch up with you, you think that's not speeding?"
So I was up against it, and I couldn't really do much here because he had decided to pick me out of a crowd of others doing the same. And it was a busy road. So, well, I'm kind of thinking it is like that time those two recently recruited young and really irritating douchebags (not all cops are douchebags, those two were) pulled me over, gave me a ticket for nothing that I fought successfully in court but still cost me money, and drove off when I asked questions. So rude, those guys. But this time, I'm going to say something to push back before he prepares my ticket.
"Officer, all due respect but if you are going to give me a ticket for speeding, there should be at least 8 other vehicles, 4 of them trucks, lined up in front of me here sir. I was simply going with the flow of the traffic, and the only other option was to get crushed or keep getting passed and ruin the drive for everyone else by constantly disrupting the flow of traffic for all three lanes."
"How do you mean?"
"(Its fairly obvious to me, but) I mean, I keep making people change their lane from right to left because of me, it messes up the traffic pattern for miles and miles, everyone has to adjust in all three lanes because I'm acting the fool, or being the guy who is driving the 55 when everyone is doing a 70 in the 55, you know what I mean Officer?"
I continued (press home the slight chance you have, he has not argued or started talking about his authority in that meta kind of way yet):
"I mean, Sir, if you clocked me on a speed gun I'm not going to argue with you (ah, get that little weapons of the weak move in, 'do you have evidence of my wrongdoing'). But I'm not driving aggressive, I'm not driving reckless, I'm not tailgating people or swerving lanes. I'm driving as safe as I can and only changing up when there's two trucks trying to measure each other's dicks (make a joke! maybe it will work. But it might not. What if he was recently told he has a small penis?)
Point is, once these guys stop you, they can do a lot to you. There's a lot of discretion. He can say you smell of booze, he can claim (like those douchebags from Seacaucus) that you are "driving aggressively and disrupting traffic," he can do a lot of other stuff, and you have to be really free of sin and totally virtuous if you're going to argue your point. And you will still most likely lose to the machine.
So, in this liminal moment where I had been stopped but not yet ticketed, I was doing what I could. Just wish I could stop talking with my hands and become more repressed in expressions like US Americans (I don't really wish that or think it is possible, but it helps if you're very still). As for the "he, he" references, I have not yet in my life been stopped by a female cop, that's all.
He did smile at that truck driver dick measuring exercise reference. I waited.
"Alright listen, take this as a warning (what kind of warning? I was reminded of that scene from the film Crash, where these LA cops are about to shoot that guy who played the pimp in Hustle and Flow, and this other cop talks them down and says, "A harsh warning." But I kept quiet), slow down."
"Ok Sir, can you help me please, I would like to drive into the left lane, can I pull in behind you and you get me there, the traffic is going fast and busy here."
He shook his head in an irritated kind of way, but then pulled in ahead of me. Get this: I then tailgated a cop into the left lane, and got up to about 80 totally riding his back till he finally pulled away and took the next exit. One hand on the wheel, looking at all the cars I'm passing and nodding, "yeah, you're slowing down cos of this car ahead of me, watch how to do it like a real boss."
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
3 stops. No tickets. I'm still laughing.
Time to check out this place called stereobarn (always make time on your road trips to stop for stuff, otherwise you're just a long haul sedan driver. More about driving sessions and what 16 hours on the GPS means in real people time in another post).
Always drive safe. It's not worth it.
Pondering this debate, and before the cop pulled me over, I thought, "so what is different about other religions, say Hinduism, where this debate is not so front and center?" I mean, in India you have these old guys, not one day spent in school, and talk long enough and they will eventually ponder the meaning of life with you, give you some insightful pearls. They will, in other words, "drop some knowledge on you." They don't know the theory of evolution.
On the other hand, you have these scholars of religion, not necessarily trained in the Western tradition (that's not the only kind of scholar there is of course, I hope we all still know that), who know a lot of the voluminous body of writing produced as the Vedas, Upanishads, what have you. I don't know if these guys have looked to put up a billboard like this, setting up their knowledge and belief against the theory of evolution. It just does not seem important. Different realms of understanding, different questions even. But here in the US, you see this. There are educated people that deny evolution in favor of their belief in the story. Some of them also deny what 97% of the scientific community agrees on, climate. So what's the difference? Answers on a postcard please.
Anyhoo, this road trip. Cop after cop, I mean I don't know what was going on. I don't speed on long trips. It's pointless. You drive 80 in a 70, you probably gain 5 miles or save 5 minutes in an hour. The stress and extra focus required to drive safer at a higher speed is not worth it. Not that these arbitrary speed limits are really about the safe maneuverability of cars on roads as built (it has more to do with the automobile lobby and dependence on foreign fuel). But you speed, you have to look out more carefully, zone in even more, and in addition, look for cops. Speaking of speed limits, I love Montana. Until some years back, there were none. No speed limits. You got tickets, I'm told, for not driving with prudence and courtesy towards fellow drivers. What a nice ideal! More on Montana some other time. I love that state, it has a mystique, something about it. 1 million people, 7 million guns, something about that too. Ya, so for me, on any drive longer than 500 miles, it's all about "within the speed limit and steady gets home safe." The rabbit can win all he wants, at 70 mph I am no turtle either.
So this cop stops me. I'm not speeding, everything is cool, my car and its lights work. So instead of him saying anything, I opened the window (get it open beforehand, keep your hands on the wheel you persons of color), waited for him to arrive, and straight asked him, "Hello officer how are you. Can you tell me what you stopped me for sir?"
Young guy, leaning in, looked like he is trying to grow a beard, said that according to his system, they ran my plates and the registration is expired. "No Sir, it's current till May," I say, pointing with one finger to the sticker in the window and offering to reach into the glove for the registration if he likes. He asked for license and registration, and I gave them to him. "OK, let me check this out so I can have you on your way quickly," he says. Sure, I'm losing time, and these minutes count when you're going cross country and want to do it without wasting too much time.
He comes back after a few, and tells me, "Actually, it was showing your license as expired." My NJ license? Ya, it did, because I let it, and got myself one in WA, where I was for a little bit. Two reasons. Shorter lines, and in WA DMV, they give you a license for five years if you're a "temporary non-immigrant." In Jersey, they charge you more and you have to go get a license renewal each year. Obvi.
Here's the thing though. This was totally random, no? He comes over saying my registration shows up as expired, and returns saying my license was showing up as expired instead? I'm sure there is some explanation for this. In any case, I was not getting a ticket, and I'm not one to spend too much time debating the finer points of their practice with police. He even apologized!!! I mean, go me, a cop just apologized. Damn! Anyway, I asked him (to learn something about the finer points of their practice), "Officer, common people do not get to interact with law enforcement too often. So, I know I was not speeding and I do not drive reckless, so can you tell me what made you consider running my plates in the first place?" He told me, "Well, I am part of the DWI unit, it's late at night, you're passing through downtown, and alone on the road, so..." Ok, whatever. 5 cars passed me before he pulled me over. Out of town plates had nothing to do with it? No big deal if they did, but tell me something. I thanked him, shook his hand, and drove on, feeling nice I did not get a ticket and that he was not a jerk.
On to IN (where I once got a warning and then got my picture taken with this young police, different from the old police in WY who gave a ticket not a warning and recommended a good place for food). And he pulls up ahead on the left, and I know he's checking me out. Drives ahead a bit, drives on my side a bit (I'm trying to look ahead as sardonically as possible), falls behind (he should be issued a citation for driving so slow in the left lane), then finally the State Trooper pulls up behind me, and hits the bluetop lights. I pull over, check the license is on the passenger seat, hands on the wheel, look ahead. I rolled down my side window.
He comes over on the other side, knocks on the passenger side window. I roll it down, and decided to be proactive (I knew I wasn't speeding): "Good morning Officer, did my plates show up as expired?" This threw him off a little, so I continued, "I got stopped last night because the plates were expired but it turned out that the license was expired but I have a license." I think I confused him enough to take the need to assert authority out of the balance. I mean, here I was, practically confessing all kinds of stuff. I got stopped recently, license and plates are all up in the air, etc.
"Where did you get stopped?"
"Columbus"
"Columbus, Ohio?"
"No, Columbus, Missouri." (I mean seriously, you trying to catch me in a lie? I am driving West to East, and Ohio is still far east of us, for the sake of f**k).
He said no, it was because I changed lanes without giving the signal (bullshit, unless I did not signal that one time all cars on the right moved over to the left in procession because there was a vehicle pulled up on the side of the road), and because these room fresheners hanging from the rear view mirror in the car are not allowed in Indiana, they are considered to be obstructing your view. Oh come, on. This is what drew you to me, to drive around with me for 5 minutes before pulling me over? Really. Ok.
I did not respond to this lane-change-without-signal thing, but started pulling down the room fresheners. "Do you have a current license on you?" "Of course I do, what the fuck do you think I'll drive on the highways without one?" I didn't say that out loud, obviously. Thing is, if they do not have a clear offense, you can actually refuse your license and stuff in some states. I don't know the law completely on this, but I've seen youtube videos, our source for all knowledge, along with Google. But cops can do a bunch of other stuff if you start arguing finer points of the law with them. So I simply took my license out, gave it to him, and even offered my registration if he wanted it.
"What's that noise, you talking to someone on the phone?" Man, stop fishing for shit to do me with. "No sir, (charming smile as I look away) that's me listening to a recording from my research, I can turn it off."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a teacher, a Professor of Anthropology at Wichita State University." (I'm actually an assistant professor on the tenure track, and it's cultural anthropology to be more precise. But I was being efficient here, not lying, I hope people can make out the difference).
"Where you headed?" (NY) "What you headed there for, man?" (I used to live there). "Ok, have a nice trip man," and with this, the State Trooper, probably 50, balding and big, walked away. He ignored my "Sir..." can I get a picture with you?
Then, PA. Home of the Rogue Audio Cronus Magnum MK II, oh yes!!! What a fun, 55lb heavy, rock on and live your life integrated amp! I wish I could go see those guys. I had a few service emails back and forth once, about a bum tube in the amp's power section, and I kept saying "keep up the good work," "keep doing what you do," at every exchange. I think I was trying to finagle an invite, like the incessant and gratuitous complements will make the guy say, "thanks, come see us at the factory sometime." Didn't happen, they were cordial enough though.
PA. Home of the silly little hills that don't seem like much but do turn the roads into these damp, "turny," dipping quasi-mountain-like roads. Do it in the daytime when you're fresh, find your line on the curves, attack the curve, and let gravity do its work for you car's stability. But it was evening, I was tired, and it's not that much fun then. So I packed it in after a while, and took a nap in the car at a service station. PA south is kind of eerie, I always feel a little apprehensive when I enter PA from the West Virginia side.
And so, another dance. Another bluetop, pull over. "How are you officer, I think there's some kind of interstate thing going on with me this trip!" I was being proactive again (I knew I wasn't speeding, but this time it was "not speeding" in the sense that everyone was doing 70 in a 55, and I had to keep up. So he could do me if he wanted to).
"How do you mean?"
"I'm not speeding or driving aggressive, but I got pulled in MI, in IN, and now PA. I don't know what's going on! No tickets or problems either!"
"Well, I had to drive at 75 miles an hour to catch up with you, you think that's not speeding?"
So I was up against it, and I couldn't really do much here because he had decided to pick me out of a crowd of others doing the same. And it was a busy road. So, well, I'm kind of thinking it is like that time those two recently recruited young and really irritating douchebags (not all cops are douchebags, those two were) pulled me over, gave me a ticket for nothing that I fought successfully in court but still cost me money, and drove off when I asked questions. So rude, those guys. But this time, I'm going to say something to push back before he prepares my ticket.
"Officer, all due respect but if you are going to give me a ticket for speeding, there should be at least 8 other vehicles, 4 of them trucks, lined up in front of me here sir. I was simply going with the flow of the traffic, and the only other option was to get crushed or keep getting passed and ruin the drive for everyone else by constantly disrupting the flow of traffic for all three lanes."
"How do you mean?"
"(Its fairly obvious to me, but) I mean, I keep making people change their lane from right to left because of me, it messes up the traffic pattern for miles and miles, everyone has to adjust in all three lanes because I'm acting the fool, or being the guy who is driving the 55 when everyone is doing a 70 in the 55, you know what I mean Officer?"
I continued (press home the slight chance you have, he has not argued or started talking about his authority in that meta kind of way yet):
"I mean, Sir, if you clocked me on a speed gun I'm not going to argue with you (ah, get that little weapons of the weak move in, 'do you have evidence of my wrongdoing'). But I'm not driving aggressive, I'm not driving reckless, I'm not tailgating people or swerving lanes. I'm driving as safe as I can and only changing up when there's two trucks trying to measure each other's dicks (make a joke! maybe it will work. But it might not. What if he was recently told he has a small penis?)
Point is, once these guys stop you, they can do a lot to you. There's a lot of discretion. He can say you smell of booze, he can claim (like those douchebags from Seacaucus) that you are "driving aggressively and disrupting traffic," he can do a lot of other stuff, and you have to be really free of sin and totally virtuous if you're going to argue your point. And you will still most likely lose to the machine.
So, in this liminal moment where I had been stopped but not yet ticketed, I was doing what I could. Just wish I could stop talking with my hands and become more repressed in expressions like US Americans (I don't really wish that or think it is possible, but it helps if you're very still). As for the "he, he" references, I have not yet in my life been stopped by a female cop, that's all.
He did smile at that truck driver dick measuring exercise reference. I waited.
"Alright listen, take this as a warning (what kind of warning? I was reminded of that scene from the film Crash, where these LA cops are about to shoot that guy who played the pimp in Hustle and Flow, and this other cop talks them down and says, "A harsh warning." But I kept quiet), slow down."
"Ok Sir, can you help me please, I would like to drive into the left lane, can I pull in behind you and you get me there, the traffic is going fast and busy here."
He shook his head in an irritated kind of way, but then pulled in ahead of me. Get this: I then tailgated a cop into the left lane, and got up to about 80 totally riding his back till he finally pulled away and took the next exit. One hand on the wheel, looking at all the cars I'm passing and nodding, "yeah, you're slowing down cos of this car ahead of me, watch how to do it like a real boss."
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
3 stops. No tickets. I'm still laughing.
Time to check out this place called stereobarn (always make time on your road trips to stop for stuff, otherwise you're just a long haul sedan driver. More about driving sessions and what 16 hours on the GPS means in real people time in another post).
Always drive safe. It's not worth it.
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